Did you know most relationships are based on your past, and sometimes your future – which is ultimately formed by your past beliefs? Yes, we generally live in the past. Our beliefs, tapes, patterns, behaviors, are all based on what we learned long ago as children. If you have not engaged in deep personal and transformational growth, you are inevitably carrying these past tapes around as though they are true today. This is why so many couples or friends have a difficult time communicating. Each party is living in the past, and no one is present in this relationship.

Just yesterday, a client of mine, which we will name Belinda, spoke with me about her strained relationship with her mother. Both she and her mom had just recently engaged in an intense transformational program within the past month. They are both excited about improving their relationship and allowing the Love and Connection to flow between them.

During this session, Belinda shared how she caught herself going into reaction with her mother this very day. Belinda was pondering her future career with her mom. She was asking for mom’s support, when her mom asked Belinda a question, “How about ‘public speaking’ which you have really liked in the past?” Belinda became very angry, tight, and withdrawn – fearing that she (Belinda) would rage. She hated her mom questioning her. She felt her mom was, in fact, interrogating her.

Belinda focused on herself and not her mom. She had just learned to do this at this recent intensive. Why these feelings, when mom had just asked a simple question? As Belinda focused on her reaction, she realized she was not with her mom in the Present Moment, she was in her past. She was about to get angry at her mom for something that happened some 40 years ago.

Belinda was remembering when she was just a toddler. Her dad would demand that she respond to questions with perfect answers. She was expected to have answers to every question. When her mom questioned her about public speaking, she automatically returned to her past – and reacted to her dad’s demands. As a child, she was too afraid to show anger at dad – but she was feeling it now.

Belinda’s introspection led her to be aware of herself, and to share this past experience with her mom. She explained that she really appreciated her mom’s support and that she wanted to be responsible and be Present Now with her mom. They connected like never before, and are continuing to allow a deep intimate relationship between themselves.

I would love to hear your comments!

How are you in relationships? Do you allow yourself to be aware of yourself when you are in reaction – or not present in this relationship now? Are you taking responsibility by owning what is about you and your past – and coming into the Present and sharing the truth about you?

Do you trust yourself enough to share the truth about YOU and your past, and choose to change it now in this relationship that matters so much to you?

If you do not transform your past you Must Attract the Past to you – as mandated by the Spiritual “Law of Attraction.”

photo credit: Night-thing

Have you ever been in a Lawsuit and felt things were not fair?  You felt the situation has been blown out of proportion and the fight is getting bigger and bigger – hum, kind of like it’s the lawyers fight now?  You felt angry, betrayed, unseen, unheard, like your side is not even being heard, much less represented.

That’s what happened to Linda yesterday.  She and her husband were married for some 9 years.  To her surprise he decided that although he loves her, he does not want to be married. He did not want intimacy, connection, or the responsibility of marriage.  He also did not want children.  What Linda wanted more than anything was a deep connection with her husband, and to raise a family.

After some responsible discussions, they agreed to divorce.  It would be amicable, simple and easy.  There was not any reason to even have attorneys – until the husband’s family thought differently.  Now Linda finds herself in a battle for survival.  Her husband wants her to leave the relationship and not get anything.  No money or material possessions. He even wants to keep all the money in their bank accounts. Linda freaks out!  What will she do? Where can she go? She has an education, but has not worked outside of the family business for many years. Could she take care of herself?

Linda’s husband, John, gets an attorney that represents him well.  Linda’s attorney, on the other hand has dropped the ball.  He is “doing nothing to help her.”  He had lunch with John’s attorney to settle the case, yet nothing happened.  Linda wonders if her attorney has become friends with her husband’s attorney.  She feels, angry, betrayed, afraid, in fact – terrified.  She reaches out to me for advice – Spiritual Guidance. She knew I had been an attorney in the past.

Linda grew up in a home that was very poor.  They had barely enough food to eat.  Her father was an alcoholic and her mother very irresponsible.  Her mother was even unstable emotionally.  Linda thinks she may have been psychotic.  Linda had no support at home. In fact, she became the mother to her mom and brothers at a very young age.  The message she got was that she is not worthy, unlovable, and does not count. There was no one to listen to Linda or nurture her.  The parents were very distant from the children.

The relationship that Linda had with her parents is the very relationship she will re-create with friends and colleagues.  Her mission is to heal and transform herself in order to create what she wants in all areas of her life.  She will never know her ‘True Essence’ of Unconditional until she engages in Spiritual Transformational work for herself.

IT IS IMPORTANT FOR LINDA TO:

1. Start with herself first. What relationship does she have with herself?
2. Love and Accept herself.  How does she treat herself?
3. Be willing to Heal and Transform herself in order to create what
   she really wants.
4. Remember that she is a ‘Divine Being’ full of Love and Joy.
5. Know that she is creating ALL her experiences in order to evolve her soul.
6. Cast No Blame or Shame on herself or others.
7. Remember that She is Creating this experience for her soul’s evolution.
8. Accept that these situations, and her husband, are her teachers to help
   her grow Spiritually.
9. Be in Integrity and be Honest throughout the lawsuit.
   For example:
   a. Tell the Truth.
   b  Ask for what she wants.
   c. Be Reasonable and Fair.
   d.  Represent herself and leave the rest up to God.

10. Not fight.  Just represent herself with the truth.

11. Leave the outcome up to God, and trust there is a ‘Greater Plan.’

Notice that Linda grew up in a poor family where she received no support from her mom or dad.  She became the mother very young.  She felt hurt, angry, betrayed, and afraid.  She created the very same experience in her marriage.  This had to happen, as she is committed and determined to heal and transform her life and to Remember her ‘Divine Essence.’

If Linda does not listen and choose to transform herself and grow into wholeness, she will create crisis over crisis until she awakens. Linda can take the straight and easy path to Heaven, or the difficult, chaotic and painful way.

She must make a Conscious Choice to Change if she wants it different.

Are you willing to have your life be Joyful, Peaceful and Abundant or do you choose the painful, chaotic, route back home to your ‘True Essence?’

I’d love to hear your comments!  Paz, Esperanza

photo credit: noyava

When you think of Fathers Day, perhaps your images of your father will be one or more of the following:

1. The Smudge-Proof Dad:  He’s a smart, hard-working, strong, fair, honorable, athletic, fun, loving and always there for me – kind of dad…
2. The You-Don’t-Want-to-Know Dad:  Strict, unpredictable, unreasonable, raging bull who beat the you-know-what out of you ‘for your own good,’ then said, he loved you – kind of dad…
3. The Invisible Man:  Ask about their dad and you get a blank – a blank look, a blank shrug, a blank memory bank.  You figure you have a dad because you’re here, but that’s about it.  A blank.
4. The Potpourri Dad:  Most of you fall into this category.  That is, a ‘Mixed Combo’ of any and all of the above at one time or another.

Which of these categories do you fit in?  How would you describe your dad?  If your relationship has been empty or distant with him, would you like to change this?  For it is a commitment to transform this relationship that can free you and free him.  Perhaps this Father’s Day is a great beginning. You are the only one that can change it for you!

Whether you Love Dad or not, or feel a mixture of feelings and thoughts towards him,  I will share with you concrete ways on ‘How to Connect with him like never before.’

As a Spiritual Teacher, I have worked with many people, for many years, who have very strong feelings or thoughts about their fathers.  They have many beliefs about him and how he treated them that continue to haunt them and hold them back in every area of their life.  For most, this has been a burden they have carried for many years and it impacts on all relationships with others – their spouse, children, friends, business associates, and yes, even their relationship with money.

I am reminded of one very special client of mine.  Let’s call him Steve.  He is a very successful businessman who was a partner in a multi-million dollar enterprise when he came to me.  Although he was very “successful” in business, he had a very strained relationship with a business partner for over twenty years.  They just couldn’t get along.  Steve is a very kind person, soft spoken and sensitive.  His partner was quite outspoken and a ‘rageaholic.’ He would get very angry at any little thing.  Steve would retreat with his partner’s anger.  He didn’t understand why and didn’t know what to do about it.   He came to us committed to heal this situation and transform his life.

Steve described his partner identical to his father.  His father was a ‘rageaholic.’  Steve remembers tip-toeing at home.  He never knew when his father would ‘blow up.’  His dad would scream and get violently angry over anything.  Steve was even afraid to come home.  Mom was also afraid of Dad, so she also retreated.

As Steve began to look at himself, he realized he had re -created his father in this partner.  In order for Steve to change the situation at work, he needed to heal the challenge with his dad.  He did this by healing and transforming himself, and later approaching his dad as an Equal and Responsible person – not a son in a particular role.

The ending in this situation was magnificent!  Steve visited his father a few times and was very honest with his sharing.  Dad listened and was apologetic.  Steve was able to see the great fear in his own dad, since a very young child.  They connected like never before.  Steve’s father died a few months later.  Steve was able to visit his dad at the hospital, connect with his Heart as he crossed, and bid him a very loving and supportive transition out of the body.

In order for YOU to Create a Meaningful and Supportive Relationship with your Father, it’s important for you to Be/Do the following:

1. Look at yourself first.  The only person you can ever change or transform is You. When you make a commitment to Love, Know and Free the ‘Real You,’ then and only then – will changes happen.  Inner transformation will reflect on the outside in all your relationships.
2. Know that what you see Outside of you – is Inside of you. In our earlier story of Steve – he realized that he was also very angry.  He had just buried it.  He felt violated and abused by his dad and never showed up.  He buried his feeling instead, so his dad was showing Steve his own anger, as was Steve’s partner.   As Steve healed his own anger, the relationship with his dad and partner also transformed, and they were able to connect on equal levels.

Answer me this: Are you willing to ‘Have it All’ with Dad this Father’s Day?  In order to do so you must:

1. Allow yourself to Know the Inner Truth about YOU.
2. Do whatever it takes to ‘Heal and Transform” your relationship with YOU.
3. Take Responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, interpretations,
   perceptions, etc.
4. Be very Honest and Share the Pure Truth about you with Dad.
5. Do not Blame or Shame anyone else. Just heal you!
6. Listen to your Dad and ask him about himself and his experiences as a child.
7. Be Responsible in all communications with your father, for this is the only way others can be responsible with you.

Are you willing to have Life be Peaceful, Joyful and Abundant for you?

If so, this will take your Knowing, Loving and Accepting the ‘Real You’ the “Divine You.’

Are you willing?  If not now, when?

photo credit: jamie_hladky

Are you one of those people who always wanted to have a connection with your Father, but for some reason you have never been able to?  What if I tell you that I can show you how?

Would you say your dad is very distant, especially with you – or with every one?  Or maybe he talks to everyone but you. So you wonder – what’s the deal?  Why can I not connect or communicate with Dad in a closer way?

One of my very special clients wanted so much to connect with her father.  Let’s call her Susan.

Susan is now a recovering attorney turned Spiritual Teacher.  When she came to me she had already done a lot of personal growth programs, but still could not reach her dad emotionally.

Her father was a kind, quiet, hard-working man.  He was very intelligent and would readily speak of politics or civic affairs, but would never share himself personally. Sound familiar?

Later in his life he became very ill, and was not expected to live very long.  Susan was very sad as she remembered her closeness to her father up to the age of twelve.  She would follow him all around and help him do chores and repair things.  She loved it.  So did he.  When she was about twelve years of age, he made a dramatic change.  He no longer included Susan in any activities.  She longed for his connection, but to her, he was gone.  She didn’t know why.

When her dad became ill, Susan was determined to connect with him before he passed away. At first, she did what she should not do.  She traveled to his state with an expectation that HE would change.  After a few days, she shared with me that she was giving up and leaving, “as he would never connect.”

After listening to her experiences, it was clear SHE was the one who was not connecting, and she didn’t know it. Her dad was just mirroring her behavior.
I supported Susan to ‘Show Up’ and be Honest with her dad.  I asked her to do the following:

1. Experience her pure feelings.
2. Share her feelings when she creates a safe place to do so.
3. Take Responsibility for her feelings and know her feelings are about her.
4. Choose Differently – Choose Love!

Susan shared with her dad how she really felt, and her sincere desire to connect with him and know him.  Instead of leaving, Susan scheduled breakfast with her dad at his home.  When she shared what she really wanted and how sad she was that they never shared intimately – dad had tears in his eyes.  So did Susan.  He said, “This connection is all I ever wanted with you.  I just didn’t know how to do it.” Susan admitted that she also was lost and did not know how to connect.

They spent breakfast together, very intimately – honest and open with each other.  They admitted this was the first time they ever felt so close all their life.

Susan is so grateful that she made connection with her dad a priority.

She did the following:

Made a Conscious Choice to create intimacy with her dad.
She Committed to this Choice, by making time and visiting dad out of state.
She took Action! She set time aside to be with dad and to ‘Show Up’ and ‘tell the truth and allowed her dad to know her in a way she never had before.

Susan’s dad passed away a few months later.  Susan felt complete with him and was able to connect deeply and support him as he transitioned. She now feels a closeness to him that she never even imagined.

Are you willing to Allow and Create the space to Really Know your dad and allow him to Really Know You this Father’s Day?  The time is NOW!

photo credit: fallwithme

I would like to commend you in your desire to bring Peace and Joy into your relationships. Remember that you are your true healer, and only you can make the real difference. You cannot do anything to the other person. You can only change yourself.

Let’s make it fun and easy with Five Simple Steps. As you live these steps in your daily life, you will attract others to you with a similar level of Love and Responsibility in relationship.

First, let me share with you that these Five Simple Steps can only work if you live them through your Heart. You cannot choose to apply them through your head. This would be temporary success.

What must one do to make these Five Steps work? You must first make a commitment to use these five steps no matter what! You make this choice before you are in the difficult situation. Regardless of how you feel or think, you commit to follow these Five Steps.

Before I tell you the Five Steps – Let’s picture a scenario – Think of someone who always pushes your buttons. Whenever this person is near you, you get upset! You feel anger, fear, sadness, rage – so much so that you don’t ever want to be around them.

What do you do? Yell? Cry? Scream? Withdraw? Or do you just try to avoid this person?

The Five Steps are a recipe for doing things differently. These steps apply to every situation in which you find yourself getting upset with another person. If you follow these steps devotedly, you will transform this relationship from one of fear and anger to one of Love and Freedom for each of you.

The FIVE SIMPLE STEPS

1. Free Yourself: Know that whatever is going on with the other person has nothing to do with you. Their reaction is about themselves, and their history. Whatever is going on with you (inside) is about you and your history. This is where you want to focus, ON YOU!

2. Stop, Do Nothing: When the incident starts, STOP! Do nothing, say nothing. Never say the first thing that comes to you. You have to be in the past, and so is the other person. You’re both “Gone.” No one is present in this current situation. It is important to be very aware of you, and what you are experiencing. This is a goldmine for self-awareness, and ultimately, personal freedom. Listen to you, and to them. Listen with Self-Love, Self-Acceptance, and Self-Respect.

3. Share or Exit: If it feels safe, share the truth about you. Not about them. What are you feeling? Where does this feeling come from? The feeling is yours and belongs in your history. If it does not feel safe to share about you, just listen to you. What are you thinking, feeling? What sensations are you experiencing? As soon as you can, create a safe and graceful exit.

4. Write: As soon as you can, go to a safe place and write about your experience. Write about you, not the other person. Write with Self-Love and Self-Acceptance. Address the following topics:

• What did you think, feel and sense in this situation?
• What specifically triggered this?
• Remember earlier times in life when you had very similar thoughts, feelings, sensations, responses, and reactions.
• How does this past experience impact on you now?

5. Choose Differently: Choose to transform your relationships. Commit to yourself – that you will choose differently now. You will choose Love over fear. Choose not to stay stuck in the past and create relationships based on your past. Commit that you will create the life you truly desire, rather than one you unconsciously choose…

Click here for more information on how to apply these principles and create a Life of Love, Peace and Joy,

Here’s to creating the Life of your Dreams,

Esperanza Universal,

photo credit: Steve Rhode