“How to Love the People You Hate”
I would like to commend you in your desire to bring Peace and Joy into your relationships. Remember that you are your true healer, and only you can make the real difference. You cannot do anything to the other person. You can only change yourself.
Let’s make it fun and easy with Five Simple Steps. As you live these steps in your daily life, you will attract others to you with a similar level of Love and Responsibility in relationship.
First, let me share with you that these Five Simple Steps can only work if you live them through your Heart. You cannot choose to apply them through your head. This would be temporary success.
What must one do to make these Five Steps work? You must first make a commitment to use these five steps no matter what! You make this choice before you are in the difficult situation. Regardless of how you feel or think, you commit to follow these Five Steps.
Before I tell you the Five Steps – Let’s picture a scenario – Think of someone who always pushes your buttons. Whenever this person is near you, you get upset! You feel anger, fear, sadness, rage – so much so that you don’t ever want to be around them.
What do you do? Yell? Cry? Scream? Withdraw? Or do you just try to avoid this person?
The Five Steps are a recipe for doing things differently. These steps apply to every situation in which you find yourself getting upset with another person. If you follow these steps devotedly, you will transform this relationship from one of fear and anger to one of Love and Freedom for each of you.
The FIVE SIMPLE STEPS
1. Free Yourself: Know that whatever is going on with the other person has nothing to do with you. Their reaction is about themselves, and their history. Whatever is going on with you (inside) is about you and your history. This is where you want to focus, ON YOU!
2. Stop, Do Nothing: When the incident starts, STOP! Do nothing, say nothing. Never say the first thing that comes to you. You have to be in the past, and so is the other person. You’re both “Gone.” No one is present in this current situation. It is important to be very aware of you, and what you are experiencing. This is a goldmine for self-awareness, and ultimately, personal freedom. Listen to you, and to them. Listen with Self-Love, Self-Acceptance, and Self-Respect.
3. Share or Exit: If it feels safe, share the truth about you. Not about them. What are you feeling? Where does this feeling come from? The feeling is yours and belongs in your history. If it does not feel safe to share about you, just listen to you. What are you thinking, feeling? What sensations are you experiencing? As soon as you can, create a safe and graceful exit.
4. Write: As soon as you can, go to a safe place and write about your experience. Write about you, not the other person. Write with Self-Love and Self-Acceptance. Address the following topics:
- What did you think, feel and sense in this situation?
- What specifically triggered this?
- Remember earlier times in life when you had very similar thoughts, feelings, sensations, responses, and reactions.
- How does this past experience impact on you now?
5. Choose Differently: Choose to transform your relationships. Commit to yourself – that you will choose differently now. You will choose Love over fear. Choose not to stay stuck in the past and create relationships based on your past. Commit that you will create the life you truly desire, rather than one you unconsciously choose…
Here’s to creating the Life of your Dreams,
Esperanza Universal,
photo credit: Steve Rhode
"I was able to see life-long patterns that have held me back for so long, in so many ways - and most importantly, I could see how to trust myself enough to change those patterns and make new, more empowered choices..."
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Fabulous article – I really like these five steps. What a great process, I’ll be coming back for more awesome posts like this. 🙂
Love,
@marismith
Amazing. I am the eldest of 8 siblings, 6 girls – 2 boys. We are a fragmented and miserable bunch and now that our only surviving parent, our mother, has dementia that has brought up a lot of rivalry and scrambling for a last ditch effort for her approval before we lose her. This article, as I typed in ‘how to love one you hate’ came up and I was thrilled. Whew! I have rules to follow for my own sanity. Thank you..
I hate javier but at the same time i like him what should i really do?
Look easy and do difficult
i already reached the edge with someone i hate and damage already done, the only looser is me, i lost my surrounding respect and love..those steps can’t do me any good now, it’s toooo late
i already reached the edge with someone i hate and damage already done, the only looser is me, i lost my surrounding respect and love..those steps can’t do me any good now, it’s toooo late.
nice article, but i couldnt write down why i got angry or what caused it because i know i have legitimate reasons to be and so must think thoughts like, i feel sorry for this person, or its their problem not mine. I follow most of your advice already but it doesnt make it any easier once i have spoken to this person. i can now avoid confrontations but i am well aware of being the better person and the restraint i exhibit leaves me feeling terrible, afterwards i want to go nuts and so i need to calm myself down by going for runs etc. There does not seem to be any method that i can think of that allows me to deal with this person in a way that gives me peace. I do not have the option of disowning this person as she is my daughters mother. She has a very poor outlook on life and of me and i have done nothing to deserve it. i am accused constantly of things i havent done and i know she has but i cant argue with someone that is a little crazy and for want of a better word, Evil.
I would love someone to give me an idea of how to love the person i hate, or atleast help me not care about her or her involvement in my daughters life. Failing that does anyone know any good contract killers, im joking.
Being positive is great and i know i cant change her, only me. i can contend with people being told things about me that are not even close to the truth and accept that my name is being dragged through the mud by her and her confidants etc. Its cliched to say that it will all come round on her in the end (i wouldnt even want that), What im trying to say is that even though i am dealing with the situations that present themselves at the time they happen, to do so means that part of me is going through a little hell afterwards and i am at the point that i cant deal with it. i can think of other things easily, and have been using all the CBT i know but when i am relaxed or about to nod off or just not consciously not thinking about it my brain decides to go there. This is really becoming a problem for me.
So my question is. . . .
How can i be ok with trying to be a saint when my brain is having such a hard time with it all? In my situation the 4th step is not advisable, any ideas on CBT techniques or similar?
Thank you for the nice advises, which only mean well for us. I’ve practiced this for many years, when I found myself in the abusive relationship. While I agree that I followed these points more-or less (I did not write my feelings down though), I struggled because until the other person does not realise the effect s/he has on other people, the problem will not solve. Yes, we’ve separated by now, but we have a child in shared custody, and I can talk forever about my feelings, but nothing changes the fact that the father of my child has serious issues with anger management (or complete lack of it); and other issues related to his past. And in my country none of these issues constitute any grounds for removing the custody rights… He is very responsible and participating father. And yes, I feel this way and that way, but he still has the issues….